Have you ever tried to find someone to share your life with? A comrade, a friend, a lover – someone to walk with you, no matter what?
I have. I not only tried. I desperately tried. I got obsessed with it and used almost every possible means under the sun that I could think of for over almost twenty years, to find my significant other.
I thought I could go about it like finding a new flat, methodically and with dedication, then the rest would follow suit. Oh boy, was I wrong. What I got instead was a lot of heartache.
I just didn’t know then what I know now: the more you seek love, the more it flees from you.
Friends who I misused for having to fulfill my needs, I lied to you to make you like me. I pretended to have interest in you, when often I only thought of the next thing to say to make me appear interesting in your eyes. I sometimes exaggerated my enthusiasm for you to make you believe I liked many things you appreciate, in order to achieve your appreciation for me.
I sometimes changed like a chameleon to become what I thought you liked, and lost my self-esteem in the process. I was blind to that, but now I see, and I apologize to all of you. There’s no need to spell out your names – you know who you are .
Inspiration to change my ways came to me through a man who was born in the year man set foot on the moon for the first time. When Neil Armstrong took “A small step for a man…” I was lying in my cradle, only a few months old. The fact that I was born the same year that man landed on the moon always made me kind of proud and gave me a sense of that I can reach for the stars, too, one day.
A month ago a fellow Austrian, born in 1969 like myself, did something equally breathtaking than Neil Armstrong 43 years back. He looked like an astronaut when his whole preparation stretched over years came to a close. He did what no one had done before. He boldly went where no one had been before in a balloon. Ever. I got glued to the TV and followed hours of footage on the day of his jump and being too little for the landing on the moon I got the next best thing to that, an equally fascinating event and I was there to hold my breath with the rest of the world in awe, being proud as punch that he comes from my country, a tiny dot on the face of the Earth. Thanks Felix! 🙂
But mostly I got the input for my new mission from a book that I recently found when searching for answers. The student will find the master, when he’s ready for him…
Byron Katie is my new master now. Her book “I need your love. Is that true?” shows how to let go of the attempt to find love without even looking for it. It’s to do with improving the relationship to the person closest to you: yourself, by taking a thorough look at the way your thoughts lead you to believe that what you think must be the truth. You think, therefore you are, right? Wrong.
Katie teaches you how to change your perspective by turning around your statements and looking at them from different angles by asking yourself some very simple questions.
Like many good things in life it is hard to explain, but it works.
I’m only through a third of the book by now and yet I can already feel the wind catching up beneath my wings.
I feel I’m really on to something here. Finding love without even looking for it. I’ve never done that. I trained for the task over the past two decades or so. I had my share of beats on the head and I might be able to fill an entire hospital ward with one patient for each heartache in my life.
All of that has made me stronger. My muscles have grown and my senses are finely tuned.
I’m on new ground now. Breathing is getting harder, the door to the world outside my capsule is open… I’ve let go of the handles on either side of my hands…
I can feel my feet itching already…
A small step for a man…
“I’m coming home now…”